not looking like my day

Nothing like a little failure to grease the skids to hell. I blew off the walk this morning. In fact I blew off getting up. When I came too a little after 8 the only thing I was sure about was that I didn’t want to be here in this life. I suppose it all started with the tossing and turning all night.

When the clock went off I was dreaming I had hepatitis and was smoking crack with Rudy and the whores. For whatever reason that was preferable to what passes for my life these days. Actually I tried to turn the damn thing off about 4:30, which was when I realized that I hadn’t had enough rest to fall out and report for life at the crack of fucking dawn. My clock is so freaking complicated that it I screwed it up. It went off and six and that set the tone for the rest of the morning.

Now I’ve napped for two more hours and have finally, I hope, fallen out for the day. I blew off taking Lilly to the vet for a bath and recheck. It’s stormy down here and she’ll just pee on herself in the cage after she’s cleaned up while waiting for me to liberate her. I didn’t feel like doing it anyway. I’ve brought my Fuck It motto out of retirement, at least for now. I did manage to cram a dose of pills down all the dog’s throats. So I guess the morning wasn’t a total loss.

Anyway, I’ve decided I’m through fighting this shit. I’m staying up as late as I want and I’m sleeping as much as I want. August, historically, is the worst month of the year for me. It’s too hot to do anything outdoors other than feed the mosquitoes. Last year the pit extended from August through the end of the year and into ’08. I was unmedicated then, though, unless you consider a booze and dope binge every three months or so medicine. I’ll see the shrink towards the end of August and feel relatively certain she’ll change my meds. If I’m not too miserable I may ask her to hold off on that. Once the heat breaks I may rally. Unfortunately that’s a solid two months out.

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4 Responses to “not looking like my day”


  1. 1 A Particular Mind July 31, 2008 at 1:12 pm

    It’s funny how the heat affects us. I love the cold, rainy, cloud filled days of winter. I can’t get enough of them. Spring is alright as well except for the constant anxiety I experience in monitoring for signs of the impending heat of summer around the corner. I know its well on its way as the care free flowers of spring begin to die off and the Los Angeles dingy-dry, all-encompassing brown comes into view.

    I’ve been in one of ‘those’ moods for a semi-solid 4 months or so now. Quite honestly it is getting a bit exhausting. Sounds like you feel somewhat similar.

    Well here’s to cooler days.

  2. 2 titaniumrose July 31, 2008 at 1:29 pm

    Must be one of “those” days – I didn’t want to get up this morning either. In fact I got back into bed and damn near stayed there. Would’ve except that I had an appointment I had to go to for my job. Lousy stinking sense of responsibility, you’d think I was a grown up or something. Anyway, I find “fuck it” almost always appropriate. Like right now, I should probably be working, but fuck it – I’d rather screw off.

  3. 3 Arkay July 31, 2008 at 4:11 pm

    Screw the snooze button I was working on for our minds, now I want to shift my line of research into a comlpete reset button, for when past memories step up and fuck with our current lives – especially during what little sleep we get.

    Sorry it’s not a good day for you (again). mine’s been kinda neutral, and that being so much better than most lately, I’m NOT going to complain.

  4. 4 Angry Ballerina August 1, 2008 at 9:34 am

    Sorry buddy. I’m not gonna bitch at you. You’re allowed one day.


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