an indicator?

It almost doesn’t matter what I’m dreaming about. When the sun comes up, calling me to another crack at life, 90-plus-percent of the time I fight having to come back. I prefer the dream world nearly every time, no matter how chaotic or senseless or unpleasant it may be on any given morning. It takes a really creepy dream for me to prefer consciousness to oblivion.

That’s how it’s been for much of my adult life. There were a few times, some extended, when I didn’t dread the prospects of another day in my life. After I got back from Betty Ford, for more than two years, I relished the chance to live and learn yet again. I was up everyday with a lust for life that I’ve never known before or since. Prior to that, when I was going to college, I didn’t so much spring forth with boyish enthusiasim as need to get up and do something I didn’t find all together awful.

Since those times that date back 15 to 20 years it’s been relatively rare that I wanted to get up, or more accurately, return home from the escape of the dream world. Mostly those better mornings have aligned with what I suppose are hypo-manic episodes triggered by various psychotropic chemicals.

On most days these days, after my feet hit the floor, it’s a very short time before I’ve re-acclimated myself to my reality and have engaged the day as best I can. After I have a sip of coffee and say my four second sobriety prayer I’m completely present. (These days I add the women, the dogs, and Dad to the required two second prayer.) Sadly, many if not most mornings, here is not where I want to be. That’s what I call a spiritual mistake, which is simply but not easily rectified. The key, of course, is wanting what one has. Unfortunately it’s much easier said than done.

UPDATE: My friend Ozy corrected me in the second comment below. Want is never a good thing and was a poor choice of words on my part. I was thinking of the recovery saying, “Happiness isn’t having what you want but wanting what you have”, when I wrote the second-to-last sentence above. Want leads to avarice and attachment. Want is why so many of us in this post-modern-western-world are so fucking miserable. Thanks Ozy. I agree with you whole-heartedly.


2 Responses to “an indicator?”

  1. 1 ozymandiaz July 14, 2008 at 10:07 am

    It is not to want what one has, but moreover to find gratitude. To want, even to want what one possesses, leads not but to missery. For want begets want and nothing more. And all want is but desire for things to be differant than what they are. Thus the missery. Gratitude is beyond exceptance of things as they are.
    There is NO happiness beyond.
    It can be found in no one nor nothing outside of the self.
    Most of all, though, it is nothing that can be told. It is something to be found, discovered if you will, within.
    There are walls a thousand miles thick between you and your self yet all can be moved aside like cobwebs.
    Seems a silly notion, doesn’t it?

  2. 2 thestranger July 14, 2008 at 10:12 am

    Those feelings are all too familiar to me. I often feel like I’m dragging through life with no direction or purpose. I’ve got some severe anhedonia, and sleep often does seem like the perfect escape. I have a goal for something different though, but its hard to stay focused or remember I have something to fight against. I have moments of clarity, but they tend to become distant memories and burn out quickly. I’m always looking for ways to reignite that flame and find some motivation, but it sure isn’t easy. There was a girl at my work who seemed so happy everyday, who sang out loud when she filed away her paperwork. I sure envy that… but it also perplexes me.

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