improved mood

I feel much better, at least mood wise, today. I’m still tired and don’t feel like committing to anything more substantial than a blog post or a few inning of baseball. It’s really not good enough. If I had to do any of the things almost everybody else has to do, like go to work and interact with all sorts of people, I’d be getting fired, or quitting, at least a couple of days a week. I’m not sure if the meds are blunting the depression or if the meds are making me flat emotionally and more prone to depression. I tend to think it’s the former but as I said, this just isn’t good enough. Not by a long shot.

I see the shrink early in the week. I don’t know what to tell her other than that things aren’t improving enough. If I didn’t have to worry about doing anything but lying around in an emotional coma for the rest of my life I guess things would be okay. At any rate, I feel it’s time to move on to whatever the next thing is. Quite frankly I’m beginning to think that my problems are the result of brain (or ego) damage from childhood, perhaps my motorcycle accident, and that incurred from living the life of a complete fool, off and on, for 30 years. I intend to discuss that with the doc. What’s the point in taking all this shit if it’s not indicated for what I’m beginning to think is really wrong with me and doesn’t do much besides making it a little easier to refrain from shooting myself? Sometimes you just have to fold your hand. I’m not particularly interested in engaging in battles I have no chance of winning. Is there any treatment for ego damage?

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If you're interested in reading a fairly detailed account of addiction and depression, Cracked Head Memoirs might be for you. It basically tells how it was and what happened. Writing it helped me go from active addiction to recovery yet again.

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