well hell

Just took 300 mg Welbutrin XL for the first time in over a month. I expect to feel/see results in a very short-time, perhaps a week, if it’s going to do the trick. Still taking the ridiculous dose of Seroquel. I always figured street dope and booze would kill me via my liver but it might be psychotropic dope that does me in. Today I feel like I’m in a nuclear sub that has lost power and is descending toward crush depth. The end simply can’t come quick enough. Tomorrow, however, I may very well be as happy as a pig in shit. Welbutrin has worked that miracle for me on two different occasions.

For me, having to call the shrink’s office and complain is so emasculating. “Hi, my name if Greybeard and I’m a whiny crybaby who can’t handle life” is what it feels like. Depression is a quick cure for any sort of machismo. Hard on a southern boy who was in his 30s before he realized that he actually was afraid of some things and that he couldn’t (consistently) bend life to his will. God damn.

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3 Responses to “well hell”


  1. 1 misterbooks June 24, 2008 at 3:38 pm

    Ah yes, nothing like crying on the shoulder of someone who has their shit together. Depression and machismo do not mix. Actually the only thing machismo mixes well with is assholism, imho. Stick it through, you pull out of this one, like ones in the past. And yes sir, you are there for your gram. But your also there for other’s too, like us cyberspace buddies. You touch our lives, and you know, we ain’t no fake shitheads out here, we really relate to each other, help each other. No matter what your current mindset thinks, you’ve made and are making a positive impact on this world.
    Nuff said,
    peace,

  2. 2 beartwinsmom June 24, 2008 at 7:07 pm

    I totally agree w/ what ‘Books said- You ARE making a positive impact on this world. Don’t you dare give up, or I will get in the car, pick up ‘Books on my down I-75, and pick up any other bloggin’ buddies on the way just to come down and kick your butt.

    Yes, depression sucks. Yes, it is awful to feel like your life is in the shitter. But, I want you to take a look at your gratitude list. Look at that guitar. Pet your dogs, take them for a walk if you can. Realize that this is just a moment in time and it will not last forever. At least that is what I try to tell myself when I start slipping, and it is so hard to remember that when that slide start accelerating.

  3. 3 misterbooks June 24, 2008 at 8:21 pm

    Hell ya! Pick me up BTM….I’ll pack up the three kids, the four cats, the dog…my wife could probably use the break. In fact lets rent a bus…maybe one of those “church” buses. I could see us pulling up to Uncle’s house, in a neon green and white painted school bus that is has the name “God’s Love Bus” on the side. All us kooks hanging out the windows and waving little flags and yelling and whooping it up…that’s what Uncle Greybeard needs. Yeeehaaawww!


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