familiarity breeds contempt

In past lives I tended to thrive on moderate amounts of adversity. Task oriented and singular minded could have, at least at times, described me well. Over the course of the last 15 years or so I completely lost those traits. As I’ve mentioned here frequently, it just doesn’t take much to knock me off my stride anymore.

The leg problem is back occupying front and center in my conscious mind. It’s depressing me. It’s scaring me. My reaction would be more appropriate for a far more serious challenge, or so it seems on this end. After quite a bit of use, marching around a couple of grocery stores, hauling said groceries, and climbing in and out of the car, my leg had had enough. Now for any one with even an iota of grounding in reality, this “episode” would have been expected.

It caught me slightly unaware. I hasn’t bothered me this much since I cut out much of my activity a week ago tomorrow. It’s as if I’d decided, mostly since a most unsatisfying trip to the docs last week, that I’m just not going to tolerate it. When the problem reemerges, it’s affect on me emotionally is over-blown. It’s like, okay, this problem is going to be with me the rest of my life — for sure. Additionally, this problem is positively going to mean I’m going to gain back 30 plus pounds I’ve lost. Additionally, it’s going to almost certainly result in my becoming homeless or worse at some point since I almost certainly can’t do the types of work I’ve gravitated to in the past.

Upon just a tad’s worth of further analysis, almost none of the above is assured or even likely. All I know is that my leg is afflicting me now. There’s absolutely no way of knowing what’s going to happen. Any effort to pierce the mystery of tomorrow is a guess at best. In reality, something much worse will probably befall me and doom me to the tomb of eternity. What I’m dealing with, practically speaking, is an inconvenience that, magnified by my silly brain, takes on the characteristics of a terminal illness. So promoted it seeps into all areas of my thinking and feeling, contaminating them as only fear can.


1 Response to “familiarity breeds contempt”

  1. 1 etta June 9, 2008 at 11:07 pm

    FEAR…that lovely 4-letter, F-word…

    glad you were able to corral your runaway brain by the end of that post. didn’t I tell you that your MRI would come back negative? didn’t I tell you that the docs wouldn’t know what was going on? trust me…you have classic stenosis. keep exercising, just watch the back extension (i.e. military type posture). you will feel better flexed, walking up hill or riding your bike. playing the guitar shouldn’t hurt either…if you are sitting. good luck! do what you can. take the next right action, and keep an eye on those runaway catastrophic thoughts. we drunks are experts at that thinking!

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