tired and wired to the 10th power

I’ve looked over some of my posts, pages, and comments from the last few days and they’re even more ragged than usual. I look right when I write it and re-read it. Then, when I read it later I’ve left out words or used the same word twice or invented a spelling or some other such shit. I’m not fixing it. I’m too lazy. And that’s exactly how it is right now. Ragged.

I’ve had five good hours sleep in the 13 days. My mind is tired. Sort of. But it’s clicking along as if it’s taken on a life of it’s on – independent of my body or attempts to reign it in. I can’t describe what it’s like. It’s still sort of fun. But I’m absolutely useless.

I think my dogs have picked up on it. They’re not scared of me. But they’re sticking closer than usual and acting sort of jumpy. Like me I guess. I’ve just rattled and carried on with the women today at least twice as much as normal. Didn’t snap at Mom but once. Once I caught myself getting viscerally angry over absolutely nothing. I mean, a lot of times I’m sort of an asshole, but feeling the anger rise up like that kind of scared me. It was almost fight or flight like.

Went on a long walk and marched up and down the hills around here like I was 14. Could easily have gone on, probably for hours. I’m in control enough not to over do it, at least not too bad. So far. I’m something of an expert Sudoku junkie. I devised a little strategy that allows me solve all but the most fiendish of the fiendish without too much trouble. Can’t work today though. I’ve fucked several of them over the last couple of days.

Don’t have the patience or concentration to try and describe anymore of this. And I know some of my favs out there think I’m a fool for taking Seroquel. I appreciate your concern. Really. But I sure wish I could have found some Friday. This is getting ridiculous. Monday night can’t get here soon enough.

Tonight the plan is to pop four Benadryl, take a hot bath and lay there until the water gets cold. Drink some of that Sleepy Time tea shit and turn it. If I’m still awake an hour later I’m Neil Younging it and leaping out my window. I’m on the ground floor but the bushes will scratch me up. For some crazy reason I thought that was funny.


3 Responses to “tired and wired to the 10th power”

  1. 1 BPD in OKC April 26, 2008 at 9:07 pm

    Don’t worry about “ragged” posts. We all misspell words, leave words out, or repeat words all the time. We’re human. We all make mistakes.

  2. 2 misterbooks April 27, 2008 at 6:46 am

    A post with faith issues in it, I’m posting. A post with Neil in it, I’m freaking-yeah posting!!!!
    Kick back with some Harvest, or some of his new stuff, like Silver and Gold, or Live at the Fillmore. Goodstuff.
    Post away, ragged or not. Whats good about friends is that we can read between the lines.

  3. 3 Greybeard April 27, 2008 at 8:32 am

    Thank you both. I want my blog to an accurate representation of who I am and am becoming and where I’m at — warts and all.

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If you're interested in reading a fairly detailed account of addiction and depression, Cracked Head Memoirs might be for you. It basically tells how it was and what happened. Writing it helped me go from active addiction to recovery yet again.

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