not good man. not good at all!

One of my old drinking and drugging buddies was the most negative mother-fucker I think I’ve ever been around. He was obviously ill and depression and addiction factored into it somehow. Once, when I hadn’t seen him several years, I chanced to run into him in a city hundreds of miles from where we used to hang together.

“How you doing?” I asked him. I really was curious.

“Not good man. Not good at all!” was his reply.

Hadn’t seen him since. He’s almost certainly locked up, covered up, or sobered up. If my luck holds I won’t know for sure until the next life.

His words from all those years ago ring pretty true for me today. Most of it is in my mind. I’m on edge though, no doubt about it. I’m not sleeping well at all. I keep going to bed earlier and earlier in hopes of catching up, even though years of experience has taught me it doesn’t work like that for me. Additionally my back really hurt last night. First time in a couple of years it got that bad. Of course it gets exponentially worse. I was just to the beginning of the cussing stage when I caught it last night.

When I get ground down is when I get in trouble. While I’m no where near nub status yet, if this keeps up for another week or two, I’ll be on the way Shitsville.

To add insult to injury I’ve got these ditties stuck in my head. Not cool tunes like Blue Sky or Kid Charlemagne. Some local car jack has an add running all the time with The Hustle on endless loop in the background. It’s haunting me and that’s bad enough. Also jockeying for air time between my ears is that awful new Ford jingle – “It’s time to drive a Ford again”. I’d like to sue them for pain and suffering.


5 Responses to “not good man. not good at all!”

  1. 1 adlawrence March 26, 2008 at 1:07 pm

    I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time.

    For me, what helps is to remember just how bad it felt ‘out there’. I was actually in quite a bit of pain for most of it. Add that to sleeping in my car, or in a tent on some rocky hillside or another, and life now has its perks. Even the hard days seem a bit easier to bare when I think about lying down in my own bed, taking a long shower, doing anything that resembles functioning…

    I hope today gets a little better for you and that maybe you can have one of those moments when everything seems so worth it.

  2. 2 Prester John March 26, 2008 at 2:30 pm

    adlawrence = You are so right. Gratitude is strong medicine. I think I’ll start a gratitude page (as opposed to list) and see if can add something everyday or so. Couldn’t hurt.

  3. 3 Arkay March 26, 2008 at 5:20 pm

    Ditty Brain Locks are a real pain. The only way I’ve found to overcome them is either to repalce them with something else, or give them to someone else (sometimes the worse they are, the more fun to give them away though). Even worse is trying to shut one’s brain down to be able to actually fall asleep (staying asleep is another problem, but only if you can actually slumber in the first place, right?). Because I suffer from anxiety as well as my depression, my Dr. gave me a prescription for Lorazapam (brand name: Adavan) that I use as infrequently as possible (so as not to dilute the effectiveness), but actually helps my brain to stop rushing and allow me nod off. Especially effective after 30+ hours awake.

    Hope you find some peace and progress this week.

  4. 4 bottlecappie March 26, 2008 at 5:56 pm

    Hang in there brother. Pain is really triggering, I know. Can you do heat, or ice?

    I hope you feel better/get some good sleep/get rid of your brain virus soon.

  5. 5 Prester John March 26, 2008 at 6:21 pm

    Thank you Sister Cappie. In the recliner with the lumbar support and heating pad even now. You take care too.

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