My rut is where I like it. Not deep as the grave. Not altogether exposed to the emotional elements that jab me like so many sharp sticks. Just a nice, comfortable foxhole.
The relatives visiting sort of forced me to take a peek at the battleground. I’m just so much happier when no one is invading my space and time. One night, one full day, and an hour or so one morning and they where gone. It’s been over 24 hours now but I’m still suffering from battle fatigue.
Additionally I broke with one of my unwritten rules and listened to some of my favorite music while they were here. It was as if I needed to confirm, if only to myself, that I’m nothing like this particular branch of my family. The fact that such sublime things as music and humor are beyond them never fails to make me feel better about myself and superior to them. Unfortunately I’ve known for some time that the only things strong enough to go with really good music, for me, are a) dope and/or b) pussy. It takes two of the three to make any one of the three manageable. To make a long story short I was wanting to again immerse myself in all things beautiful, musically speaking, when it’s neither practical or even possible to do so.
Lastly, or firstly chronologically speaking, is the piecing together of a wardrobe. It wouldn’t have to be clothes. It could be musical instruments. A nice ride. Anything that’s expensive and not completely clear cut that I need (deserve?) at the moment. Spending money weighs greatly on my rickety sense of self. The psychobabble angle is beyond me. The feelings run the gamut, as do the racing thoughts. The symptoms are my either wanting nothing or thinking I need/want everything. I can change my mind 10 times in two minutes about a particular prospective purchase. And I almost always end up getting nothing or a bunch of stuff I don’t really want or need. It’s like a dam breaking. Damn.
If there’s a goofier, more easily rattled bastard out there, I’d sure like to know about it.
UPDATE: I wrote flying blind right after this post and it’s probably a more accurate conveyance of what I was trying to get at with this post.
truth be told, you are not so differant than anyone else out there.
not saying thats a good thing, mon you
we live in an aprehensive non connected world
i wish there was a little button i could push to make your life easier….maybe one attached to a morphine drip.